I and You is Becoming We...

I’m sitting here trying to go through letters and gifts and am overcome. So many crazy emotions; how did I get here? Is this real life? All of these precious people really love me? Can this be true? Am I really one month away from marrying the man of my dreams?

And then, if I’m honest there’s a slight freak out moment. This is a big, rest of your life decision, one of those you shouldn’t ever take lightly. How can there be so much joy and apprehension in one sentence? I’m about to get married. That’s a life-long, no getting out of it, forever, covenant. One that covers and blesses and refines and sometimes hurts. {deep breath} There is no doubt in me so there’s no fear… no real fear anyway, peace is covering this, I know that I know but with that knowing there’s apprehension for the unknown. This is stepping into a realm that I’ve seen and studied and learned from but have never actually been. I know it will change everything, not drastically but it will touch every single area of my life with a touch that won’t be undone and shouldn’t be avoided. I and you is becoming we.

A heart’s desire meets a fleshly self and the collision will leave the self undone. That wish to die daily now becomes a necessity. I am no longer my own on a deeply personal, in-your-face-with-bad-breath kind of level. And I’m choosing it. I want this. I want him. I want to be by his side everyday, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. I want to love him more than I love myself and I can see how that process might be a little rocky but it will be worth it.

I understand now why people call it “taking the plunge” or a “step of faith”. You are trusting your heart to someone forever knowing they are imperfect, knowing they have flaws and infinitely hoping that you can show them you love them as much as you know they love you. For my deeply over-analytical brain it won’t make sense and can’t make sense. And therein lies the beauty. Oh, to love and be loved. To be unafraid and dare greatly. To take one step at a time towards the voice you know and trust more than any other. {ok, that one I can do}.

And for it all to be inexplicably woven with your faith and love for a completely trust-worthy, forever faithful God. The joy becomes near unbearable and definitely brings tears.

good + faithful

This has been one of the most interesting seasons of my life so far... I'm sure there are many more to come but this one takes the cake.

Through every area of my life God has been highlighting, underlining and in all other ways emphasizing He is both good and faithful.

I started out in January in awe of God's faithfulness. I journal at the beginning of each new year; I write down the things God has done and the things I feel He is promising for the new year. It is so sweet to remember and then look to the future. GOD IS FAITHFUL. I can lose sight of that truth too often. My worries or concerns get too in focus and I quickly forget that God has always been faithful and always comes through; not always how I expect and not always exactly how I would like but many times better and more fully than I can recognize in the moment.

So there I am for a few months in awe of God's faithfulness and I hear Him begin to whisper into the corners of my heart that He is not only faithful He is good. The two HAVE to go together. He cannot be faithful without being good and He cannot be good without being faithful. That is WHO HE IS, not just attributes but the very essence of Him.

Here's why that was such a big deal... somehow I had been separating the two. Because God hadn't quite met my expectations or my time frame or my dreams exactly how I thought He would (and at times even thought He said He would) I was doubting His goodness. I couldn't doubt His faithfulness, He has always answered, always been there, always been the best of friends and fathers but somewhere in my heart a chasm had been forming. It seems silly even typing it out, I don't know how the two can even be separated but that had been happening.

The process of bringing the two back together and believing God is who He says He is has been interesting; many tears, much stubbornness, a few battles of the mind and some of the sweetest moments of my life. Getting self and the world out is a painful process, especially when we feel we have the right to hold God accountable for something. But the truth is, He is God, I am not. He gets to do whatever He wants, however He wants, whenever He wants and as a Christian I have chosen and committed to His lordship. But that's only half the picture. Because He is not only Lord, He is a good and faithful Lord, Father, Friend and Provider. And then not only that, He's not just good and faithful in those areas, He is GOOD and FAITHFUL. Period.

All of the sudden, this life that can seem so hard and full of trials fades, it doesn't go away, God still has to work it all together for my good and for the good of all those who love Him but it fades in comparison to WHO HE IS. I am so thankful He is both good and faithful. I can claim, rejoice and rest in that power-packed truth. 

The Game of Life

It's been awhile since I've sat down to type in this venue and a lot has happened, it normally does.

There has been so much going on that I was up at 3am a few nights ago thinking about all of it. I was thinking about a lot of the people I care about and praying (the 3am prayer wake up call happens more often than I can honestly say I like :)

To wind down and help turn off my brain a few hours later I pulled out my phone to play the Game of Life. I had downloaded it for one of my younger friends recently. I started it as normal, blue car and the character Rachel. I always choose to go to college (it's worth the debt), I pulled the lawyer card and was pretty excited to make $90,000 every time I passed a pay day. I invested in the number nine, got engaged (yes! a life tile!), got married, had a baby girl and kept spinning the wheel. At the crossroads, I chose the normal Path of Life over the Family Path and the Normal Path of Life over going to Night School and the normal Path of Life over the Risky Path. That was a little different, I normally like the abnormal choices. 

I finished the game with the highest score yet. 

And I became painfully aware of the point of the whole game. The goal of the Game of Life is be worth the most at the end. The player with the largest figure next to their name is the winner. 

I sat there for a moment. We actually have a game about life where the highest goal is to amass wealth. I realized that's why I had not chosen the Family Path or the Risky Path or Night School. I wasn't playing with young learners, I wasn't trying to be an example, I was only motivated to beat the computer (I did by the way). 

It was a silly example but it brought into a fresh light the fact that the vision and goal clearly determined my choices even at 5am! 

I feel like it's been a season of God clarifying my vision and setting some new goals. I know I am making choices right now based on that fact. 

The thing is life is incredibly more complex than a game, beautifully so. And my God is so much bigger than all of that complexity. He has been so faithful in my life and so good. He is who He says He is and I trust Him. I don't have to make my choices alone based on an empty goal and I am so incredibly grateful for that fact. 

I don't always know what's best and I can rarely tell you what is actually coming next, I might as well be spinning a wheel and moving a few spaces! I am very human but He loves me and guides me and covers my foolishness with His grace. 

I hope you know Him like that. If not, I hope you choose to take a step closer to Him right now. Surrender some control, invite Him into your choices, ask Him what the goal is... He loves you.

Ephesians 1:15-17

¹⁵ For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God’s people, ¹⁶ I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. ¹⁷ I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.