I’m sitting here trying to go through letters and gifts and
am overcome. So many crazy emotions; how did I get here? Is this real life? All
of these precious people really love me? Can this be true? Am I really one
month away from marrying the man of my dreams?
And then, if I’m honest there’s a slight freak out moment.
This is a big, rest of your life decision, one of those you shouldn’t ever take
lightly. How can there be so much joy and apprehension in one sentence? I’m
about to get married. That’s a life-long, no getting out of it, forever,
covenant. One that covers and blesses and refines and sometimes hurts. {deep
breath} There is no doubt in me so there’s no fear… no real fear anyway, peace
is covering this, I know that I know but with that knowing there’s apprehension
for the unknown. This is stepping into a realm that I’ve seen and studied and
learned from but have never actually been. I know it will change everything,
not drastically but it will touch every single area of my life with a touch
that won’t be undone and shouldn’t be avoided. I and you is becoming we.
A heart’s desire meets a fleshly self and the collision will
leave the self undone. That wish to die daily now becomes a necessity. I am no
longer my own on a deeply personal, in-your-face-with-bad-breath kind of level.
And I’m choosing it. I want this. I want him. I want to be by his side
everyday, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. I want to love him
more than I love myself and I can see how that process might be a little rocky
but it will be worth it.
I understand now why people call it “taking the plunge” or a
“step of faith”. You are trusting your heart to someone forever knowing they
are imperfect, knowing they have flaws and infinitely hoping that you can show
them you love them as much as you know they love you. For my deeply
over-analytical brain it won’t make sense and can’t make sense. And therein
lies the beauty. Oh, to love and be loved. To be unafraid and dare greatly. To
take one step at a time towards the voice you know and trust more than any
other. {ok, that one I can do}.
And for it all to be inexplicably woven with your faith and
love for a completely trust-worthy, forever faithful God. The joy becomes near
unbearable and definitely brings tears.
